Tho' much is taken, much abides.

When I was young, I was a loner. Not exactly a rebel, but an isolationist of sorts. I was the kid who sat in the back of the room and scowled with disdain at the ridiculous drama of teenage life. I read Malory and sci-fi novels and wished I could be anywhere but where I was. If there had been a Goth movement or a trench coat mafia at my small suburban high school, I would have been part of it... if I were a joiner, which I most definitely was not. Even that alternative lifestyle seemed ritualistic and hypocritical, and I just preferred to do things for a reason, not because others did them. I did have some people I hung out with and called friends, but when high school was over and we all went separate ways, I realized they were habits, not friends. I'd always known them and never imagined not spending time with them. It was that simple.

After high school, I came to know what loneliness was. No longer able to interact with people out of habit, I spent almost all of my time alone, when I wasn't at my dreadful fastfood job. I gained 60 pounds and perfected the art of wallowing in self pity.... until I wised up to the fact that no one was forcing this life upon me. I could change it at any time.

So, I got a new job, lost weight, learned to dress better, and started college. I made many friends and began going out all the time. I'm not saying it was all bliss and roses, but I was pretty happy. I'd never considered myself a social person before, but as long as I got some "me" time to read or watch a movie to recharge my energies, I enjoyed having an active social life.

This pattern continued for over a decade. Then, Darling Wife and I move here to Northern CA. I never really got into the rhythm of things here. There were many people in my cohort at the university that I liked, and they seemed to like me. I spent a lot of time with them. But I can't say I ever considered any of them to be friends. This is mostly my fault. I didn't allow myself to connect with them. I didn't want to. Whenever I could get away from school, I preferred to spend time at home or on an outing with DW. I enjoyed our little cocoon. So once I left my Ph.D. program, I lost all contact with the only people I knew here. I didn't anticipate how lonely this would make me feel.

You may recall that I mentioned a new friend a few months back. Our friendship was the most random connection. He was a computer support guy in the university dept where I work as a part time admin assistant, and he came to my office to fix a minor problem with my PC. We started talking, and soon meaningless smalltalk led to a decent conversation. So, I suggested we grab a pint sometime to continue it. Over the past weeks, I have come to value his friendship a great deal, more than I could have foreseen at the time. You can imagine, then, how I felt to learn that his position with the university was a temporary appointment and he would be leaving at the end of February. I attended his farewell party Friday, and though we have made promises to stay in touch, I am too experienced with the ways of the world to expect much.

It's true, we hardly ever saw each other at work anyway, but today, I sit at my desk with a profound sense of loss and isolation. But just as I did those many years ago, I am starting to think the answer is to lighten up... make some changes. And this time, my starting position is already better off because I am not alone. I have DW.

One of the great things about life is the ability to change it, don't you think? I am ready to smite the sounding furrows. Care to join me?